Monday, 26 March 2012

FRIDAY FICTIONEERS - 23 of March - Sussin de Allura - Her 100 Words


Marion gazed around the peaceful room, glowing in lovely mauve light. 
An icy terror chilled her bones, but the needle didn’t hurt when it pricked her arm.  
She surrendered to sleep, into that familiar dream of dead trees, black from past fires, brittle and menacing.
She did not fight as her life’s blood was sucked away, into the thicket, into the briar, feeding that Dead Place. 
There was the little swoosh that comes when a person exhales his last breath.  
30 seconds later, the aids put her lifeless body on the gurney. 
“One more down, wanna grab a beer, Frank?”

Note: This is Sussin's first attempt and she welcomes any critiques you may have time for, but be gentle....


  1. This is exactly what we are looking for. A succint story that brings us into another world that you have created from this photo prompt. In a few seconds, and a few words, we are taken from the peaceful room, to the terrifying forest, where are life is sucked away - and then pow, back to a concrete reality of folks just doing their job.
    good job, says I,

  2. It ate my comment!

    I was saying...
    Welcome to the fictioneers, Sussan. I enjoyed the mystery of your story - I really want to know what brings Marion to this point and why she seems scared but also peaceful. You're dreamlike description of what she sees at the time of death is great, and I liked how it contrasted with the jobsworth attitude of the guys at the end.

    I’m over here:

    1. Thanks Elmo!

      I appreciated your feedback very much! I am usually an automatic writer for my personal self growth and to help me stay centered With this exercise, I just did what I do. I looked at the picture and just let it move me, somehow I managed to just feel and type. I changed Marion's name three times, but All that I wrote existed after less than 4-5 min. It was so long....I liked the story that came to me. I could answer your questions but as it stands I still like it and it already killed me to cut over 3/4 of it was a misery of sorts to cut out what I knew I must. 100 words it shall be As Lindaura wrote: "We have to make sacrifices..."
      The rewriting is fun too, and far more challenging for me.
      I find rewriting takes about 10 times longer that writing the original draft! Yet it is a very painful pleasure. Who knew how much I could come to covet my words on a computer screen? BTW I fear the "eating" of your email may be my fault. I have been having the same thing happen to me over and over.
      I so loved the experience. I think this Blog and Fiction Collaboration is brilliant!

      On a more personal note I would like to share that my "writer's block" is long gone. Amazing! It was like something popped and 20 years of words, memories, just so much stuff, I had no idea I had all that stuff bottled-up within me! I tend to respond to everything in a very emotional way I have not stopped writing since. You should see how much writing there is in two days. Wow! My passion for writing is back in full force! I am reminded, once again, to not push the river...But I have blown my own mind

      Thank you again, Elmo! I will check you out at the other Blog Site. Cheers! Very nice to meet you! I am so jazzed and to be inspired, to feel the passion roaring through me is such a rush and a wonderful long-awaited Home-coming! It had been away for a rather long, long while or so I often thought (felt).

      I LOVE writing. Can you tell? Perhaps I may have already mentioned way too many times already. I feel like Snow White...her waking up, that is what I did. Damn that prince for wanting a younger gal. I can't help if I slept into old age. Hummm that might be a good idea to flesh out!

      OOPS It looked like my ridiculiously long email was eaten too.
      Glad I found it. I will stop while I am ahead! Bye...

  3. Sussan your story gave me chills and I enjoyed it a lot. In 100 words it's hard to do that, but you did a great job. My only crit has to do with point of view, in that we start out with Maria's as she's dying, but at the end it seems to be from the men's point of view. Or did Maria's consciousness carry over after her death? It might only take a couple words to convey that one way or the other. Then to stick to the 100-words, you'd need to cut some... but the 100 words is a goal not a rule although trying to stick to it definitely helps you to choose carefully the words used.

    Welcome to the Friday Fictioneers!

  4. Lovely mood piece. Poetic and steeped in emotion. Gave me chills. Here's mine:

  5. Creepy story! I liked it. That part about her not fighting as her life’s blood was sucked away is a bit creepy.

    1. Thank you! I love knowing I can creep people out! :-)